Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
