I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
