Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
