She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
