My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
