Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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