mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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