I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
