Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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