you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
