my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You made out with two different species that night
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
How does it feel to date your dad?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
