people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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