I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
