dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
