$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
