just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I smell stomach acid.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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