Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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