Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Randomize
