She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
