yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize
