made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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