I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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