I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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