Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
