My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
