I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
