Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
