Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
