i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
COCAINE IS GR8
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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