It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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