Kiss
Puke
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
