I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
