1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize