yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
