my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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