Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
