3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
