My cat gives me a boner
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
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