I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I have tasted many bathrooms
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
