I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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