Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
