U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
