sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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