someone threw a dead crab at me
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
