On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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