I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
