I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
