his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
BRING THE BAGELS
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
