I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
