and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize