proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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