her facebook's as public as her vagina
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
