mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
