I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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