woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
