So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
